Saturday, June 25, 2011

True Blood Season 3: In which there is way too much going on

Ok folks.  Just stick with me through this one, and it will be over before you know it.

Season 3

Previously, on True Blood:  Tara is distraught over the death of Eggs.  Bill is kidnapped by werewolves.  These two facts are the impetus for the main plot of the third season.  HOWEVER, there's a bunch of other shit going on that I'm sure we all could have died happy not ever having to live through.  So let me get through that real quick.

Sam decides to go find his family.  They turn out to be the Mickens clan, a group of people so white trash that other white trash look down on them.  The mom and brother are shape shifters, while the dad is just a regular asshole human.  They spend the season milking Sam for all he's worth.

Jason covers for Deputy Andy (is he Sherriff Andy now?  I know the last sherriff just up and quick because he was tired of all the dead bodies piling up) killing Eggs, and then tries to blackmail Andy into making him a police officer.  He also falls in love with a werepanther-yes I said werepanther-who comes from a backwoods, inbred, meth cooking commune.  I'm not going to waste much more time even thinking about this, because it makes me all ragey how badly handled this was.  It seems from perusing a few websites that Alan Ball was trying to cram 2 or 3 books into one season and did a piss poor job of it.  It did give us one good moment, when Eric refers to the men of the group as "brother-cousins".

Jessica decides that True Blood just doesn't cut it and starts hunting again, kills a guy and calls Pam for help.  Pam gives her a primer in the dismemberment and disposal of vampire victims.  Other than that bit of fun, Jessica spends most of her time either loving Hoyt or breaking up with him.

Lafayette gets a boyfried, Jesus.  Spanish Jesus, not this guy:
although I don't know if Lafayette's crazy, racist, homophobic mom can tell the difference sometimes.  It's cute until Jesus takes him on a psychedelic trip that teaches us that Lafayette is a witch.  Yup, I said witch.

Now to the main event:

Bill was captured by werewolves working for the King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington.  Russell is an ancient and powerful vampire who keeps werewolves as henchmen, which is odd since vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies.  Russell wants to consolidate his power by marrying the Queen of Louisiana and wants Bill to help him do it.  Bill says no for a while but then goes with the highest bidder and betrays his boss.  Sookie in the meantime goes looking for Bill and joins forces with Alcide, this guy:

It's not my fault he doesn't wear shirts.
Alcide is a werewolf who owes a debt to Eric.  Eric in the meantime discovers that Russell is the same vampire who killed his viking family a thousand years ago, and sets out to destroy him.  Eric kills Talbot, Russell's husband/wife/partner--guys help me out here, I'm not sure what the proper term is.  This pushes the already teetering Russell over the edge.

Tara meets Franklin Mott, the most entertaining vampire to date.  Let's be clear here: Franklin is a homicidal, raping, psychopath, but people tend to forget this.  Maybe because of things like this:

Tara finally manages to escape after bashing Franklin's head in.  Silly Tara.  That's not how you kill a vampire.  She rescues Sookie, who I forgot to mention was captured by Russell, and then they both go to rescue Bill, who is being held hostage by Lorena, his own Maker.  I managed to forgot about her, but I'm not going to back track here.  Bill is half really dead, and stupid Sookie lets him feed on her.  He overindulges and nearly kills her; Tara literally tosses his ass out on the street in broad daylight (you go girl!), and leaves him to rot, but guess what?  Bill doesn't burst into flames like we all really wish he would.

Tara makes it to the hospital where we discover Sookie has no blood type (?) so they can't give her a blood transfusion.  Sookie has some sort of dream where we discover the big secret of why vampires always want to suck on her.

She's a fairy. You heard me.  A f***in' fairy.
(i know she's actually part fairy, but it's funnier this way, so leave me alone)

Russell, driven to madness, creates the single greatest scene in True Blood history:

Russell gets captured by Eric (there's a lot of capturing and abducting and kidnapping going on here) and Sookie dumps Talbot down the garbage disposal at Fangtasia.  Eric chains himself to Russell with silver and drags him outside to get fried in the sun.  Since he's a very old vampire it's taking FOREVER.  Eric has a vision of Ghost Godric who tells him he shouldn't be so hateful, so instead Eric decides to bury Russell in concrete.  He gets the job done with the help of Bill.  And then: DOUBLE CROSS!!  Bill pushes Eric into the wet concrete too.  Pam rescues Eric, Eric tattles to Sookie, Sookie FINALLY breaks up with Bill and Bill's like "Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you"

So here were are the end of Season 3.  Tara has skipped town after Franklin shows up kind of alive and well and Jason stakes him; Sookie is single and ready to mingle; Bill is a rat; Lafayette is a witch; and Sam appears to  have shoot his brother, but we all know that didn't really happen.  Oh and Jason is the leader of the werepanthers.  Or something.

Well, that's it for the first three seasons of True Blood.  Season 4, don't piss me off.

1 comment:

  1. I don't see the problem with him not wearing any shirts :)